Status Snob

The perfect Facebook Status. The very idea seems to be something of a contradiction in terms, since the coolest people that I know don’t tend to update their statuses at all. In fact (if they are even on Facebook) they live on it in a void of anonymity, detagging themselves in photographs, never responding to messages or invitations and retaining the same, slightly artistic, probably abstract, profile picture for years on end. I would think that they never went on it, were it not for the fact that they continually make snide remarks about my penchant for changing my status or uploading photos of myself drinking rum. Changing your status is NOT, apparently, cool.

There are some people, however, whose status updates, whether regular or occasional, never fail to make me happy. And by that, I mean laugh out loud. My friend Steve, for example, uses his status as a means to vent his frustrations on how incredibly stupid and tedious most people and things around him are. An example:

“Facebook is recommending James Corden and Linkin Park to me. Either their recommendation algorhythm is in need of some work, or I have inadvertently ticked the facebook setting ‘I am a giant cu*t’ ”

And my friend Jenny, brazenly uses her status to promote whatever brand she is 'PR-ing' that week:

"Jenny loves Endsleigh Insurance."

Sure you do..

Another friend, Oliver, documents his life like a bitchy Carrie Bradshaw, ripping strips off anything and everything and shamelessly extolling the virtues of daytime TV and celebrity spotting:

“Inception. So bad there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to do justice to its horrendousness. Never before have I been subjected to such pretentious mindless w@nk. Always knew I didn’t like that Leonardo or that Ellen. I could have spent my money on a j-lo rom com. Worst film ever.”

I appreciate a bit of moaning. A bit of humour. I like to change my status. And I like reading other people’s status changes. I like to know what you’re up to. That is why I’m on Facebook (that and stalking). But there is a fine line between what I think is interesting and what I think is mundane. Some of my ‘Friend’s’ Facebook statuses read like a monkey’s timesheet:

7.06: “Just woken up, feel like scratching my butt”

7.16: “Scratched my butt”

7.23: “Butt still itchy, contemplating scratching it again”

7.48: “Think I’m gonna go for it, really excited about second butt scratch…etc”

Worse still are those who, not content with documenting their own bowel movements, instead choose to let me know what their kid just did / said / is:

8.38: “Wow, managed a lie-in today, little Jeronimo slept right through…bliss”

9.12: “Watching Peppa Pig with Jeronimo. So cute.”

10.06: “Jeronimo just ate a whole banana”

10.41: “Jeronimo is breathing and blinking at the same time. Genius”

GIVE A SHIT?! No. I. Don’t.

I don’t care if you’re doing the ironing. I don’t care if you’ve just been to the gym. I don’t care if you ate a cake, baked a cake or are a fruitcake. And unless your dog can do the can-can, or perform Grandmaster Flash’s ‘The Message’ in its entirety, whilst smoking a joint of its own rolling, then I don’t care about it.

The trouble is, yesterday, I got a kitten. And I feel the need to talk about it. On Facebook. It’s so cute and furry and so unconditionally loving…and this morning, it tried to get into the shower with me and I love it when it follows that little mouse on a string and….

…shoot me.

Stuff I liked this week

I met this girl in real life yesterday. She rules: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/UNIQUE-AWESOME-INTERNET-BEST-FRIEND-SALE-/120595162469?cmd=ViewItem&pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item1c14082565

PRMitton. Obsessed with sport, cupcakes, Notts Forest and vino: http://twitter.com/PRMitton

Congratulations to Urban Elite's very own Jeff, who got married last weekend! Whoop!! x