So it’s June and festival season is upon us. Next week is the major event – Glastonbury – and every magazine and newspaper is publishing festival guides and listings. My friend posted such a guide from the Telegraph on his Facebook page (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/8539481/Top-ten-festival-tips.html) and branded it ‘by far the worst list of festival do’s and don’t’s of all time’. I tend to agree with him since this man’s advice reads like a mother’s list of suggestions as to what to take on you first school camping trip. I would start my guide, in fact, with the advice to ignore every suggestion that this man provides and instead, to consider these ideas…
1. You will get urine, and possibly worse, on your legs and feet at some point during the festival. Your own or someone else’s. And you can’t easily wash this off. Get used to this idea, accept it, move on.
Wellies and flip flops are therefore optimum footwear for a festival since they are a)waterproof and b)disposable. Do not wear your favourite roman sandals and expect nobody to urinate directly onto the back of your legs during Blur’s set. I speak from experience.
2. Don’t bother planning anything beyond the next 2 hours. You won’t do it. You’ll be having too much fun doing whatever you’re already doing.
3. By all means dress up – but consider the long-term implications of your outfit. By this, I am not alluding to the ‘embarrassing photographs’ that Mr. Telegraph describes (he should be more worried about embarrassing articles he submits for publication) but, rather, thinking of the time when a friend dressed up as a lobster for Bestival and sprayed his face and entire body post box red using car paint. Not a great look for work the following week.
4. If you’re driving to Glastonbury, take a sat-nav and the minute you hit the queue, take the back roads. Saved us 11 hours of queuing last time…
5. In terms of vital equipment you will need:
a. An abundance of wet wipes – an obvious suggestion perhaps, but for the volume I am advising. An ABUNDANCE I say. You can use them to wipe your butt, the port-a-loo seat, wee off your feet, face-paint off your face, melted chocolate off your rucksack and dirt from under your fingernails. Plus, people will love you. You think they want your alcohol / food / drugs / money. They don’t. They want your wet-wipes and will do all sorts of things for you in order to obtain just a couple.
b. A bumbag to carry your wet wipes , money and your phone (which you will definitely need on occasion). I know, I know – bumbags are for ‘Dickheads’ of the East London variety. But they are essential for a festival since they a)leave your arms free for dancing / eating / using port-a-loos / crowd-surfing and b) (unlike rucksacks) you can see them at all times. Also, if you get one with lots of pockets like I have, you feel a bit like Batman or Bob the Builder.
c. Something to carry huge amounts of water in to keep in your tent. Again – slightly obvious – but I’ve seen the looks of envy as I’ve queued up for 3 hours for water, with the worst hangover of my life, amongst people with a meagre empty coke bottle to fill. They will have to go back again and again – I will only have to visit the tap once. NB. As with the wet-wipes – people will want your water. Make sure you hide it well and only dish it out in exchange for chocolate bars, drugs or offers to go and get you a bacon-butty when you feel you may die.
d. Pepperamis, Tracker bars, cash, a blanket, a wind-up phone charger, stupid sunglasses, a stupid hat, sun cream, toothpaste and condoms. Although sex after day 2 is only for the brave or those without any concerns about hygiene.
6. Stuff you will not need:
a. A stove. Don’t bother – food at most festivals is amazing and you will succumb to paying for it. Unless you are going to Sziget in Budapest, where each dish is seasoned with a tablespoon of salt, one type of meat is indistinguishable from another and vegetables are rarer than unicorn’s turds.
b. Hair straighteners. My friend Jenny did bring a pair to Benecassim, along with a hair-dryer, and put them to good use. But she is the exception that proves the rule. If you are concerned about the state of your hair at a festival, or your appearance in general, you are not having enough fun (see above photograph of me sporting 1990’s bandana as proof…look how much fun I’m having).
c. Band t-shirts. You wouldn’t turn up to watch your footy team in another team’s shirt would you?
7. If you do not have a bath at home, arrange use of one for your return. Not because it gets you any cleaner but, like adding milk to Coco Pops, there is something rather satisfying about the degree to which the water turns brown on entry.
8. Finally – book the day after the festival off work. You will need it and be damned smug about it when all of your festi-friends bemoan the fact that they have a 9am meeting the following day.
Friends – I am interested in your festival-suggestions…. Together we can produce the ULTIMATE guide…let me know below…
Stuff I liked this week
Erm…this is well-written: http://www.theglassmagazine.com/forum/article.asp?tid=2759#title
