Does anyone want to borrow a book?

And so...already...the fear and paranoia have crept in. The number of my friends who have actually read this blog / may continue to read this blog, has taken me by surprise. All of those people who have belittled me in the past for apparently spending an 'inordinate' amount of time on Bookface clearly spend a significant amount of time on there too since, within minutes of last week's blog being posted, the abusive emails / wall-posts were pouring in. Suddenly I am panicking about what my blog 'says' about me...I mean...I read books...I speak French...I go to a freakin' pottery class....I am a seriously serious high-brow person.

So anyway...who's been watching the X-Factor.......? Go Danyl!! Whoop!!

Following my unceremonious dumping by the (very lovely) pitiful fool last week, I have reverted to stalking Bookshop Man again. For those of you unfamiliar with my ‘love life’, “Bookshop Man” (apologies for the Bridget-Jones-style name…but that’s how women talk) has been the object of my affections for about a year. The owner of my local bookshop, BM is blessed with a visit from me approximately once a week. And in spite of my having to take out an additional overdraft in order to pay for the small library I have collated, he has not asked me out yet. Every week, we enter into long conversations about the state of the weather, the price of fish and the strength of the pound. He is charming and helpful and has even started enquiring about the books that I buy and whether or not I enjoyed whatever 5000-page tome I purchased the week before. This is not ideal since, whilst I get through more books than say Nathan Asare, I am not Jonny-5 and cannot quite fit the entire works of Charles Dickens into my meagre lunch break. I suppose I could ask HIM out. But that would be embarrassing.

In case you were wondering. I still haven’t resolved the whole ‘white outfit’ issue for Friday night. If anyone has a dress they’d like to lend me, I’d be eternally grateful (I knew this blog would come in handy…). Nathan is planning on wearing a toga, or just his pants, and is encouraging me to do the same. Spare me. And yourselves.

By the way...if you're at all confused by the seemingly haphazard manner in which my 'weekly' blabberings are being posted, blame Nathan, who is in charge of putting them up for me and struggles to count to 7... I haven't been given my own login to the Urban Elite website, presumably for fear of my habit of 'drinking-and-dialling' / 'Tequila-and-texting' being upscaled to 'Boozing-then-blogging'. That or they think I might start adding my own exercise tips to Gav's Health & Fitness page ('left hand red ...left foot red...right hand red...right foot...blue...). Either way, it's probably sensible to leave the uploading to someone with a little bit of self-control.


Stuff I liked this week

Vote for Dan the Man without paying The Man: http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/deals/free-x-factor-votes

Check out the ‘video’ section and see if you spot any familiar faces: http://www.lhi.org.uk/projects_directory/projects_by_region/london_area/wandsworth/steadfast_in_the_past_and_sure_of_the_future/index.html

Wibbletastic: http://www.jellymongers.co.uk/about.html

It doesn't matter if you're black or white (unless you're trying to conceal a spare tire)

So...the boys at Urban Elite have come up with a cunning plan to make the girls wear less clothing at "Switch it Up" this month. October brings the 'White Wardrobe Party', where we're being asked to banish the winter blues by dressing in white. I have to commend them for their ingenuity; each month they manage to come up with a plausible reason why we should all arrive at Ruby Lo dressed like the extras from a Ne-Yo video.

Now, like most of my readers (I figure there should be about 6 of you by now + my Mum), I am not a stupid girl. And yet every month, I lap up the opportunity for public exhibitionism and rush to my wardrobe like a child to the milkybar kid. I pull out all of my clothes and begin the careful decision-making process that precedes any outing which may involve me coming into contact with "hot men" and "hot women" ("hot men" because I want to have sex with them and "hot women" because they also want to have sex with the aforementioned "hot men").

A quick mirror-check reveals that this month I am contending with the same bumpy-in-the-wrong-places physique that I vowed to diet and train into Beyonce-esque perfection last month. Next I make a mental checklist of my outfit specification; must make my maheussive ass look 'curvy', my tiny boobs look 'curvy', my sagging carves look 'curvy' and must not draw too much attention to my football face. Oh....and must be white... Here, ladies and gents, is where I stumble. This 'white' criteria directly conflicts with all of my other outfit requirements. These is a reason why women wear little black dresses and it is not because they don't show up stains. If one camera adds 10lbs, then white dresses are the fashion equivalent of a trip to the Curry's January sale. Slipping on my white Primani tube dress confirms my darkest (lightest) fears. The vision that confronts me in my mirror is less ‘svelte ice queen’ and more ‘polar bear’; massive, white and deceptively cuddly-looking.

I got dumped this week. I met a very perceptive man who managed to predict impending doom a mere 3 weeks into our romance. That’s all I’ve got to say about that. But please feel free to leave long tirades outlining what a ‘fool’ he is and how much you ‘pity’ him in the comments box below (I’m needy remember).

Talking of needy…we needy you to dig deep….(ouch).. Following what I can only assume to be a ‘washing mix-up’ involving Asare’s lucky red thong and the team kit, Tooting Bec FC (THE BEC) will be sporting pink socks this season in aid of the Breast Cancer Campaign. If you are impressed with the resourcefulness of these boys, who have turned their inability to sort the colours from the whites into a charitable gesture for a very worthy cause, then make a donation using the link below. If they raise enough cash, imagine what else we might be able to persuade them to wear or do? Any suggestions would also be gratefully received in the comments section below…

Right…I’ll leave it there this week….see you all @ Ruby Lo on the 2nd. I’ll be the one strung up like an uncooked joint of beef..


Stuff I liked this week

Boys scoring in the pink for boobies everywhere: http://www.justgiving.com/TootingBecFCgopink/

Jackie Lopez - Beautiful girl singing beautiful covers on YouTube (I love her Sade cover and her Adele cover): http://www.youtube.com/user/Mexchica514#play/all

Bad news for the men in my office who have to work with me every day: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/6132718/Men-lose-their-minds-speaking-to-pretty-women.html

Blue Peter – proving they are still the best current affairs programme on TV: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8269638.stm

I couldn’t help but wonder…would you date a dating columnist?

…and so…I have finally succumbed to Asare’s requests for me to blog for Urban Elite. Having initially perused the website a few weeks ago, my initial concern was that I couldn’t for the life of me think of anything that I could write about that would be of interest to the sophisticated and clued up cast of Urban Elite’s monthly gatherings and their growing fanbase. ‘Anything you want’ was Asare’s response ‘Gossip, celebrities, music, stuff you like, relationships, sex…I don’t know…like a diary’. This sounds easy enough, apart from:-

1. I am a cynical little bitch...this might become more evident if I start writing my thoughts down


2. I have a chronic problem with lying - i.e. I can't help but tell the truth in absolutely any situation - I will have to get used to making embarassing admissions


3. What if you don't like me? I have a fragile sort of ego


4. and...surely this will ruin my life?

I recently watched all 6 seasons of Sex and the City in their entirety on ‘Comedy Central’ (extremely embarrassing admission number one – mortifying actually if you’ve ever met me...). For those of you who are unfamiliar with the series (AKA those of you with your pants on fire) each episode vaguely revolves around the theme of Carrie Bradshaw’s weekly newspaper column ‘Sex and the City’. Each week, after a preamble of schmancy lunches in impossible heels, Carrie sits in front of her laptop and poses a whimsical question that will form the basis of her column for that week. Carrie’s musings range from ‘How many of us out there are having great sex with people we're ashamed to introduce to our friends?’ to ‘Can you change a man?’. My musings, in the meantime, are something along the lines of ‘what the fuck is she wearing?’ or ‘why does she always look drunk when she walks and why do people find this charming?’ and ‘how does Carrie get away with writing about her relationships in the newspaper, without her boyfriends ever seeming to read about themselves or getting pissed off?’ and ‘If people in New York do actually read her column – how does Carrie ever get laid?’…I mean…if I was to use this blog as an outlet to vent my frustrations about the London ‘dating scene’, would I ever actually get another date? Already contending with my massive gob and diminutive chest, potential suitors would also have to consider the fact that, if they did find themselves in the sack with me, I might later spill all about their floppy friend or their penchant for golden showers. I reckon this might be something of a turn-off and I’m not sure it’s a social experiment that I want to get involved with..

I suppose that I could go all Gossip Girl on your asses and just blog anonymously. I fear, however, that this is something that only works in the realms of TV fantasy, where people are too beautifully stupid to put 2 and 2 together and work out who the mole is in their midst. That and the fact that I not only cannot lie, but I cannot keep secrets, particularly juicy ones about myself (please refer to my earlier point ‘2’). In asking me to write this blog, I’m not sure that Asare realises that he could be shooting himself in the foot and spoiling our very beautiful relationship. Asare and I discovered early on that we share a mutual love of gossip and an inability to keep even our own secrets. We found the solution to our verbal promiscuity in each other. When we have a burning bit of news that we just can’t keep schtum about….we tell each other….and no one else. But with his blog-offer….Asare seems to be suggesting that I share…watch this space…


Stuff I liked this week

Bitchy Barack: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32859148/ns/politics-white_house/

For inspirational tattoos / recipe ideas: http://bacontoday.com/

Profound and soul-searching philosophical ponderings: http://carries-questions.blogspot.com/

Facebook Group: Leave captions to the pictutre of this cat