So…I got an iPhone. The boredom of not drinking through January had become all too much and I needed to swiftly displace my alcohol addiction onto something life-improving and positive. There are definitely arguments that suggest that the iPhone is neither of these things, but I haven’t bothered to read or consider them, since I’m too busy playing with my new iPhone.
Great stuff that my new iPhone can do: I have a gun app, which simulates the noise of loading a gun with one movement and shooting someone with another. This is great for shooting my colleagues when they talk to me too much (you know who you are)
I can play Scrabble on the tube. And win.
I can make amazing recordings of myself singing, which are ideal for sending to ex-boyfriends when I’m drunk. Or, as it turns out, when I’m sober. These will probably be worth a lot of money when I’m famous.
I can pixelate photos of my face and use them as my screen saver. I can also pixelate photos of other things and not use them as my screen saver. These will also probably be worth a lot when I’m famous.
I can go on Facebook chat at 3am without leaving my bed
I can read my blog and all of the fascinating comments you guys leave whilst in the bath (doesn’t take too long)
A few problems that I may consider pointing out to the people at Apple:
When my fingers are numb with cold from the pelting snow, I can’t call anyone to come and pick me up, since the screen appears to be heat sensitive
I can’t take a photo of my face without it looking like a melon. Even when pixelated. Especially when pixelated.
I can’t stop playing with it and have to have my hand on it at all times
I’m worried that now I’ve invested in my new iPhone, they’re going to bring out a newer version, which I will desire immediately, but won’t be able to have
I think that the people at Apple might have missed a couple of tricks…I’ve been dreaming up some apps, which I will be suggesting to them for development:
Outfit app – An app that catalogues the entire contents of your wardrobe and puts together killer outfits for you. Kind of like the computer programme that Cher has in ‘Clueless’, except this app would take into account BMI, PMT and RUFKidding?.
The Dog Ate It app – an app which (when you shake your new iPhone) will provide plausible and imaginative lies to cover an array of sins, from being late for work to sleeping with your ex-boyfriend’s friend
Neutralizer app – an app that works like the mind-eraser thing in ‘Men In Black’ (I could do with one of these at the moment…though I haven’t decided whether I would use it on myself or other people…)
Diss app – an app that provides the ultimate put-down / witty come-back at the exact moment that you need it, rather than 5 minutes later
Genie app – a limited edition app providing the user with 3-wishes (activated by rubbing your iPhone)
Jonny-5 app – gives the user the ability to read and digest information at super-speed
The Lynx effect app – temporarily renders the user irresistible to the opposite sex
Undo app – Works on the same principle as the ‘undo’ button in Microsoft programmes (Apple might have to come up with a new name), immediately reversing decisions. Handy for ‘treading in dog-do’ / ’drinking one shot too many’ / ‘shop-lifting’ / ‘getting caught with your pants down’ / ‘telling your girlfriend the ugly truth’ situations
A few others, which may take a little more work:
Invisibility app
Time travel app
Mind Reader app
World peace app
Dance like MJ app
Let me know if you think of any others – I’ll be drafting my letter to the iPhone people shortly. BTW – I managed 13.5 days.
Stuff I liked this week
Probably the tools for my future career: http://developer.apple.com/iphone/program/
Switch it Up is back!!: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=794200592&ref=mf#/profile.php?id=663113337&ref=ts
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