When I was on my ‘gap year’, ‘finding myself’ for 8 months with my brother, I would call my Mum up and she would give me a weekly rundown of what was going on. Mum doesn’t usually watch Eastenders, but loves me so much that she took on ‘Deadenders Duty’, watching it in my absence and reporting back during our weekly phone call. ‘Your little brother got drunk yesterday and Mark’s going out with Lisa’ she would say, seamlessly blurring the lines of fiction and reality.
Anyway, Deadies seems to be going through something of a transition period at the moment. With the introduction of an online spinoff (I haven’t seen it yet) and whole gangs of teenagers infiltrating the Square, they appear to be trying to capture the imagination of the Hollyoaks audience whilst retaining their staple audience of housewives, families and anyone sane who is at home at 8pm (7.30pm on Tues/Thurs!). This inclusive approach to their plotlines and cast was beautifully demonstrated a few weeks ago when Whitney, step-daughter of Bianca, went to deepest darkest Balham and was confronted by a heinous gang-bitch. In a scene that wouldn’t have looked out of place in my year 8 drama class, a menacing teenager called Kylie, sporting a Croydon facelift and a hoody, towered over the cowering Whitney before describing her as ‘Butters’. To which Whitney helpfully responded ‘Who you calling ugly?’.
LOL! (as the kids say).
I would love to have been a fly on the wall at the meeting when this script was discussed:
“They’re visiting where? Loughborough Junction? Where’s that? Why don’t we just say they’re in Balham? Everyone knows Balham is dodgy…I mean….it’s in South London for God’s sake……..”
“She calls her what? Butters? I’m sorry, I don’t follow… Blud? What? Have I missed a page? Somebody’s going to have to translate..”.
Brilliant.
Come to think of it, I may just have discovered my new dream-job; Eastenders scriptwriter. Those people must have serious fun. They basically have free-reign to control the lives of 30-40 fictional lives with relatively few limits to their imagination. Implausible, laughable, physically impossible - they’ll find a way. Imagine their meetings: ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if the weediest, post-pubescent character on the square impregnated the fattest, slowest spinster on the square?’ or ‘..and then…she sleeps with his Dad!’ or ‘He accidentally kills her on a rake…!!’. The possibilities are endless. I’d have Ronnie and Roxy committing incest on the allotment, a miraculous makeover for Shirley and Libby, and Dot would accidentally get hooked on Mary Jane (or has she done that already?). Ian Beale would become like Kenny from Southpark, dying in every single episode in the most hideous way possible and Jack would get his kit off all the time for no apparent reason.
Right – I’m off to send my CV to the BBC. Wish me luck.
Stuff I liked this week
LIMITED EDITION is back on Easter Sunday at Jewel Bar. Get yourselves down…: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=104228146274715&ref=ts
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