So far I have spared you from too much X-Factor chat, since we have until Christmas to talk about it…..but it’s all been hotting up hasn’t it? As per usual I am disgusted and appalled by many of the judges’ decisions this weekend, and yet completely unsurprised. As always, the line-up is 50% talented singers and 50% ‘good TV’. And by ‘good TV’ I mean cringe-inducing, fame-seeking, talentless cry-babies. I am a huge X-Factor fan and watch it pretty much religiously year after year; Simon Cowell is my hero. I love his resolute smugness and both tolerate and admire it since he is never ever wrong. But I genuinely can’t stand all of the blubbing and interviewing that goes on in addition to the actual music. My friend and I were discussing the initial audition process for the X-Factor and imagining the check-list of criteria that might be in place to whittle down the 1000’s of contestants to the few hundred hopeless, sorry hopefuls, that appear on our screens:
- Have you suffered a recent bereavement (must be in the last calendar year) Y/N [Y = 25 points]
- If yes, was if your deceased family-member / best friend / pet / bruva-from-anova-mutha's dying wish that you audition for the X-Factor? Y/N [Y = 20 points]
- Are you the product of a broken home? Y/N [Y = 10 points]
- Are you a single parent? Y/N [Y = 20 points]
- Are you a bad egg / the black sheep of the family / Satan hoping that the X-Factor will purify you of your sins? Y/N [Y = 15 points]
- Can you really think of anything you'd rather do other than sing? Y/N [N = 5 points]
- Do you really want to win in order to make your grandmother / teacher / child / home town proud? Y/N [Y = 10 points]
- If yes, is your grandmother / teacher / child / home town disabled / bereaved / dead? Y/N [Y = 15 points]
- Are you old? How old? Y/N [Yes = 5 points - additional point for every year over 70]
- Are you a former stripppoer / drug-addict / drug dealer / bus drvier? Y/N [Y = 10 points]
- Can you sing? Y/N [Y = 1 point, N = 10 point]
Thankfully, Sky-plus has provided me with the solution to my X-Factor irritation. I can now fast-forward through all adverts, crying and Danni ‘the cougar’ Minogue. Brilliant.
So…the white wardrobe party was a massive success. I managed to find a dress that didn’t induce mass projectile-vomiting and Nathan had the opportunity to showcase a white jacket which had a love-heart around his own name painted across the back. I like to think that he wears these things with a hint of irony, but I’m not entirely sure.. Either way, it absolutely made my night, so a big thank you to Hayley who created the sartorial wonder (Nath: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sartorial).
I’d like to extend a big thank you to those of you who have offered their advice and support to my campaign to seduce Bookshop Man. Everyone from the IT manager at work to the pope has suggested that I take the Nike stance and ‘Just Do It’. Just so we’re all clear, however, that is NEVER going to happen; a)because I am rarely drunk whilst I’m in the bookshop and b)because there is a chance that he will say ‘no’. Some of you might suggest that reason (b) has never stopped me before. In response I will refer you again to reason (a).
Finally, my little brother (‘little’ brother as opposed to my ‘big’ brother…) has threatened me with an atomic wedgie (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=atomic+wedgie ), should I even refer to his existence in this blog. Whilst I value the comfort of my butt-crack, the child in me cannot resist the urge to ‘wake the beast’… Plus he’s about 150 miles away so I can hide from him for a little while…
Stuff I liked this week
I played this solidly for about 20 minutes: http://cheeseorfont.mogrify.org/
The greatest source of toilet humour known to man: http://www.viz.co.uk/profanisaurus.html
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