An exceptional problem

I just have absolutely no idea how other people do this. A bit of research in the form of 5-6 (thousand) movies reveals that ice cream, crying, listening to 80’s power-ballads and haircuts are the solution. But I really can’t be bothered. Similarly Manbans, dates, nights out ‘on-the-pull’ and voodoo dolls appear to be completely ineffective. Playing ‘hard-to-get’, being easy, texting, not texting, ignoring and feigning death – none of this shit works either. Writing poetry, reading poetry, singing songs, crucifying songs – all rubbish. Or am I just being awkward?

According to my best friend Mich (the Oracle….seriously), awkward is exactly what I am. She would deny saying this. And to be fair, she didn’t use that exact word, but this is what she meant. “The problem is” she explained with her immaculate ‘matter-of-a-fact’ delivery “you are exceptional”. As always, she delivered this statement without advice or analysis. I am exceptional, as in ‘an-exception-to-the-rule’, as in ‘difficult’: fact. And I am therefore bound to find it difficult to find someone.

Now, like Simon Cowell, who you will remember to be one of my heroes, Mich is always right. Therefore, rather like when Simon explains to the tone-deaf, boss-eyed, socially rejected mutant cowering before him that they do not have the X-factor, when Mich tells me that it is not going to happen Hollywood-style for me, I am forced to accept it. Damnit. Now that I think about it, Mich has much in common with Msr. Cowell. Sage, fair and un-squeamish in relating the truth, she would make a great agony aunt for Urban Elite, but for the fact that (like Simon), she would demand huge payment. The epitome of cool, Mich calmly navigates herself through any situation with poise and without ruffling a hair (currently a Cleopatra-fringed masterpiece). If I was half as cool as her, I would be the president of the USA. Mich would be the president of the USA, except she can’t be bothered.

So….the Urban Elite boys have yet to let me in on their plans for next Friday’s Switch it Up. After the huge and unprecedented success of the ‘White Wardrobe Party’ last month, perhaps they will be suggesting that we turn up all in red…or maybe they’ll go for a safari theme and have us all in leopard-print cat suits (I need an excuse to get mine out of the cupboard). I’d also be quite up for a 1920’s theme; I can see us all rocking up dressed like the cast of Bugsy Malone… Any ideas…drop us a line…


Stuff I definitely did not like this week and am in fact livid about

Erm….Danyl in the sing-off? R I D I C U L O U S: http://xfactor.itv.com/2009/