I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs

Now….whilst there are a series of things that I could use this blog for (killing time at work, talking about design, settling scores, recommending recipes, scamming people out of their hard-earned-cash, raising the profile of primordial dwarves, discussing London Transport or getting dates for Nathan), I’ve chosen not to, since I don’t think you’d be interested and I’d like to keep it fairly light and low-brow. That isn’t going to stop me, however, from conducting a little market research and using this blog to significantly change my life. I need a platform for my talents and some advice on how to go forward and I think this might well be the place. The thing is, you see, I want to be a pop star.

There are a couple of other career options open to me, which I am still willing to explore. I’d like to, for example, be a journalist and write this kind of nonsense for cash. Or I’d happily be a gangster’s wife. I’m not adverse to chocolate tasting. And I will never, ever, shelve that dream of being a Blue Peter presenter (PLEASE GOD). But if none of that works out. I’d like to be a pop star. Or at least in a REALLY cool band.

Now, before you ask, I’m not entirely unqualified for this career. I can sing. Not like Aretha or Alicia or Beyonce. More like Norah Jones, or a Corr or Snow White. And definitely better than Posh Spice, JEdward or that nasal nightmare Pixie Lott. I’m not necessarily as hot as her though.

So what to do? When I was a teenager, I was in a band. A group of boys at my school had watched ‘The Commitments’ (awesome 90’s film) and decided to form a band exactly like The Commitments. Except not poor, Irish and unemployed, but white, middle class and teenaged. I was playing Dorothy in the school’s production of ‘The Wizard of Oz’ (unprecedented disaster) when my heartfelt, broom-clutching rendition of ‘Somewhere over a Rainbow’ inspired the guitarist in the band to invite me along to be one of their three backing singers.

Needless to say, I bumped the other two off (probably by singing louder than them) and was soon promoted to front woman, alongside front man and Stars in their Eyes runner up, Clinton (who actually is in quite a successful band in Norway these days). And so the glory days began. Five years of Friday and Saturday nights on the Cambridge pub circuit, with occasional trips to the scary Fens, singing covers of soul and funk songs to middle-aged drunks, our parents (not necessarily mutually exclusive entities) and our single groupie, Dale.

When, however, the band reached the difficult second album stage (university called) and artistic differences were causing rifts between the rhythm section and the horns (we couldn’t afford the train fares), the band were forced to split and I was left bereft, with no outlet for my creative juices (drunk in Leeds). Almost ten years on, my talents remain unused and wasted, only to be heard by my bathroom tiles and anyone within a 200m radius of my shower between 7.30 and 7.45am (I know who you are you weirdo).

So I need a plan. I’d welcome suggestions for band names / my stage name in the comments box below, along with any potential routes into the music industry. Likewise, if anyone knows any gangsters who need a wife, Blue Peter bosses I can ‘persuade’ into casting me or someone who edits a national newspaper, let me know…

Stuff I liked this week

Pure, joyous, genius: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0N2bp-XhS0

The phrase every girl dreams of: “cheap Valentines gifts”: http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/deals/cheap-valentines-gifts