My own suggestions of Beyonce or Eva Mendes were laughed out of town. Frankly, I found this disappointing, since they’re talking about casting a black Bond, so why not a black or Latino Lemons? It’s essentially the same sort of movie… Perhaps, however, the audience wouldn’t be convinced when Eva Mendes looked down at her ample bosom and complained that her boobs weren’t big enough. And, whilst she has some skills, I’m not sure Beyonce is a good enough dancer to portray me in a film. Maybe she could have some lessons?
Clearly unable to make an objective decision, I turned to my friends and family for ideas. A quick bit of research by means of my Facebook status revealed that they think that I should either be played by someone beautiful and French or by Ray Winstone (thanks Chris).
Now. Whilst I can understand the obvious parallels between my own life and that of the serial hard man Winstone, I’m not really seeing the whole Juliette Binoche thing. I mean, sure, she’s a brunette and I’m a brunette. And she’s French, and I’m half French…but that’s really as far as it goes. I mean, I’m half English too. So if the only qualifying factors for playing me in a film are hair colour and nationality, then Winstone trumps Binoche, since I’ve heard he likes Marmalade and watching TV. And I also like Marmalade and watching TV.
The funniest thing about this whole French association, is that when I’m in France, everyone bangs on about how English I look. And truth be told, I don’t look a huge amount like my petite, delicate French mother. In fact, I look exactly like my Dad, Big Tone. Except not bald. Thinking about it again, perhaps Tone is the best man for the job. He hasn’t acted before, but he is pretty amazing at most things, so playing the part of his twenty-something year old daughter in a film shouldn’t pose any problems. He might have to wear a wig and have his legs waxed for the role, but he could leave the chest hair and the jowls. And he was once the North of England Ballroom dancing champion – so we don’t need to worry about him in the big dance numbers.
All of this pondering on who might play me in a film reminded me of the time when, as a teenager, I posed for the village portrait painting class. I sat absolutely still for 6 painful hours (harder than it sounds) and daydreamed about the family heirlooms of the future that were being produced before me. And throughout the sessions, I wasn’t allowed even a glimpse of the paintings. That pleasure was saved for the big ‘reveal’ at the end of the second class, when each of the artists proudly turned their easels around to face me.
Unfortunately, my excitement at seeing myself through other people’s eyes meant that, when I was met with 12 paintings that wouldn’t have looked out of place on Bianca ‘Mrs. Ricky Butcher’ Jackson’s fridge, I failed to disguise my horror. Had I not spent 6 hours sitting in their direct line of view, I might have offered up the same question to the ‘artists’ that Bianca so carefully asks Tiffany every time she is presented with a new ‘family portrait’. ‘WHO the fiddlesticks is THAT?’
The paintings bore about as much of a resemblance to my face as mayo does to salad cream and I wondered whether I had accidently stumbled into a portrait painting class at the RNIB. In one ‘portrait’ I appeared to have had an allergic reaction to shellfish. Another portrayed a woman with a head so small, that Channel 4 would have paid a lot of money to make a documentary about her. A third portrait saddled me with a trout pout and a skin tone that wouldn’t be out of place on The Simpsons.
Maybe my biography should be an animation….? But who would voice my character? Where did I put Beyonce’s number again?
Stuff I liked this week
My favourite line of this biog: “Winstone recalls playing with his friends on bomb sites until "Moors Murderers" Ian Brady and Myra Hindley were arrested for killing three children” : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_Winstone
Words cannot describe my excitement before, during and after this momentous occasion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coIKTFyn5ow , http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRn00BMve_U, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKmji-H3pJk , http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eLVSSNPnY4
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